I am often asked, and I’m honored by it, the best ways to help someone who has lost a child. Grief is messy, and different for everyone, and so there really isn’t a “one size fits all” recipe. So, although my thoughts may not apply to how everyone feels, I will do my best here to articulate an answer to the question, “how can I help?” based on my experience.
Specifics in Prayer
A while ago, I made the commitment not to say or type the words, “I’m praying for you,” unless I had written down the person’s name in my prayer journal or had already spent time praying for them. I am not saying this to make anyone feel bad, but I just don’t take these words lightly. Please don’t misunderstand me. Being told you are being prayed for means the absolute world, especially when prayers are so needed. But, in my experience, specifics always hug the heart in such beautiful ways. Here are some examples:
“I prayed fervently over you this morning. I love you.”
“Our family got on our hands and knees for you last night.”
“I am praying for you right now.”
A voice message sent of you praying out loud. Several friends have sent me messages of their children praying for us. The sweetest.
A card or email/message with a hand written/typed prayer.
Only you know how the Lord is speaking to you on when/how/and what to pray. These are just statements and actions I have received that in my experience, truly lifted my heart and made that person’s prayer feel tangible. Like a hug.
Be There After the Messages Have Stopped
When you first lose a child, you are showered with support and love. And it is so appreciated. But after time has passed, after you have emerged from the shock of what has happened and life begins to move again, that’s when the messages stop. And that’s the point that you really need support. I have so many friends in my life that continued to check on me months after we lost Madelyn, and still do. Because I’m still not ok. And I never will be. And my good friends know that. They know I need extra love on holidays and birthdays, and I always will. They know sometimes I will face a trigger unexpectedly that will alter my mood or plans. And they never ask for explanation. And, here’s the biggest and best thing my friends have done for my grieving heart: they continue to speak her name. Many people are afraid to do this because they fear it will upset the parent who is grieving, but it is quite the opposite. It means the world when someone brings up your child. Messages that begin with, “I thought of Madelyn today when,” are my absolute favorite. Because in today’s busy world, it’s easy to forget. No one means harm, but it happens. Grief lasts a lifetime, so if you really want to be there for someone who has lost a child, continue to check in, no matter how much time has passed. Continue to check in, and above all, continue to speak their child’s name. I want to bring up Madelyn to everyone all day every day. It means so much when someone else mentions her first.
Send Things that Celebrate Their Child
Your friend has lost a child, and you want to send them something. But what do you send? Flowers? Scripture? Music? This is a hard one, because any gift is appreciated. It means that you love and are thinking of your friend, and however you feel led to show that is so tender and special. For me, what meant the most were any gifts that had to do with Madelyn. I received a bracelet with her name, birthday and birthstone, and a necklace with her initial. I had friends send me pictures of butterflies. One friend sent a butterfly release kit, so the boys and I could grow caterpillars together and watch them grow into butterflies. These gifts were all so special because they were all about her. My favorite thing that I do in my ministry is create graphics of hearts with the names of babies and children that have gone to heaven for their mamas. Because I know. You can receive all the gifts in the world, but to see your child’s name, even if it’s just on an image you can use as your screensaver, means so so much. Anything using their child’s name. Anything having to do with their child. It could be as simple as sending a birthday card to their child. I promise it will not make them sad. It will mean more to your friend than they would ever be able to explain.
Don’t Ask, Do
To piggyback off the section above, a question that’s extremely hard to answer is “What Do you Need?” or “How Can I Help You?” After you lose a child, your mind is already spinning and foggy and it’s very hard to process anything. Even the smallest decision can be very difficult to make. In general, it is best to make your questions as specific as possible. Specific questions with all the details laid out require less thinking, and are easier to answer. It’s very hard to answer the question, “What do you need?” because you honestly don’t know. You just want your child, so you can’t think about anything else. What helped me the most was when friends didn’t ask, they just did. So many friends sent me things without asking. It was so nice because I didn’t have to think. Here are some examples of things you can “just do.”
Collect money to hire a cleaning service. Tell your friend everything is all taken care of and offer to pick them up and take them for an outing while their house is cleaned. Or, say, “what day can I come clean your house?”
Don’t ask if they need a meal, just bring one. Send them a message that says, “I would like to bring you a meal tomorrow. Would you like me to leave it on the porch?”
If you would like to see your friend, but are wondering if they are ready, message and say, “I would like to treat you to lunch. Would you like me to take you somewhere, or would you like me to bring lunch to you? We can eat together or I am happy to leave it on your porch for you.”
If your friend has other children, offer to keep them for a night or two. Ask, “I would like to keep your children for you so that you can have some space. When would you like me to pick them up?”
Send a book or other present without asking. I had one friend who sent me a collection of books she had picked out herself. Some were for me and some were for the boys. She didn’t ask if there were any books I wanted, or even if I wanted books. She just had it sent. She later told me that she had consulted with several friends for advice on book suggestions. She must have spent a tremendous amount of time researching and talking with others and it meant the world to me that she spent so much time considering how best to hug our hearts. It was the loveliest present.
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Something important to know is that your friend may not respond. And that’s ok. Losing a child is the most devastating thing anyone can go through, and it’s sometimes minute to minute in terms of your emotions. Your friend may agree to a lunch date, and then message you right before saying they have changed their mind. They may respond to several messages in a row, and then you may not hear back from them for an extended period of time. This is normal. The most important thing you can do as their friend is to not leave them. No matter if they respond to you or not, continue reaching out. Don’t stop. I promise they love you, and appreciate all you are doing. They just may not always be in a place where they can tell you or show you so. Don’t give up on them. It may forever be up and down, but there does come a point where things even out a little more. They will remember you were there, and that you didn’t leave. You didn’t stop checking on them. And they will hold onto this and will one day thank you, with their whole heart.
To all my friends that continue to ask about and talk about Madelyn, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Of all the things I need, you are doing the thing I need the most. I love you.
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