With a husband who travels a lot, I often find myself alone in church on Sundays. I’m used to it, and I don’t mind. We have been so thankful to have found a church we love here in GA. God is so faithful when His children seek a church home.
It just so happened that today was baby dedication. Having dedicated our two boys, I know the joy and thankfulness that those parents were feeling, and I delighted in praying over their sweet children with the rest of the congregation.
In the past year-and-a-half, God has given me strength in amounts that have overwhelmed me. But while my spirit is whole, my flesh is still hurting. Very much. I’m still so very broken walking through this life without my child. It is never easy.
It isn’t easy when my boys meet a little girl in a stroller on the soccer field who is the exact age our Madelyn would be today. It isn’t easy watching them play with her knowing all that we have missed. It isn’t easy crying the whole way home, but I’ve learned dealing with my emotions is best.
It isn’t easy to be asked on a daily basis, “having a girl this time?” or a question of similar nature. And yet, I always smile and say no, in fact this is a sweet boy whom I am over the moon about, and I do have a baby girl. She’s in heaven. Telling others about Madelyn is something that comes very easy. But it isn’t easy dealing with reactions that sometimes follow, especially when there is no reaction at all.
And it wasn’t easy today, when 10 couples out of 12 were holding precious baby girls. It wasn’t easy seeing their adorable outfits and longing so badly to dress my girl too. If my sweet husband would have been there, he would have reached out to grab my hand. He knows.
I am not ungrateful. In fact, I’m probably more than grateful, because I have a very deep understanding of how precious life is. And how real heaven is. And I can’t believe God has been so gracious to us and that He would think us worthy to raise three precious boys.
But the things that hurt in the beginning still hurt now. Just as much. And just like in the beginning, when it hurts, I lean on God for the only strength I can find. And He always provides it.
And He gave me this sweet image today. He always knows just what to do. We may have not ever had the chance to dedicate our sweet Madelyn, but I can picture her in a sweet dress like this. When I close my eyes, I am combing her hair, and getting her ready, just like those mothers did today with their little girls. What a blessing the imagination is to the heart.
And here’s the part that makes it possible to endure all the things that aren’t easy. What truly helps me keep going. Having gone straight to the arms of Jesus, we, as her parents, don’t need to stand in front of a congregation and ask for prayers over her life. Her salvation is already decided, and there is no need to worry about the path she will take. She was always and will forever be innocent and pure, and in God’s grace. What a blessing as her parents not to have to worry whether we will see her in heaven. She’s already there.
And she’s waiting for us.
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