There are many times throughout the day where I feel like I can’t do this. I feel a sadness that is beyond what I’ve ever known as sadness. It’s so intense that it feels like an entirely new emotion. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about children. As children grow, they have to learn every emotion along the way and how to handle them. Toddlers throw tantrums many times because they don’t understand how they are feeling, and don’t have a way to properly express themselves. The emotions they are feeling are new, and they don’t know how to handle them. In a way, that’s this grief has been. It’s a whole new explosion of emotions that are new. I’ve never experienced how I’m feeling, so it’s very difficult to understand. Because I don’t understand it, trying to explain it is impossible. Trying to think of anything I need when asked is hard, because I don’t know.
I spoke with another mama today who is grieving the loss of not one but two sweet babies. She gave the best description of this journey that I have heard. You do experience joy and peace many times throughout the day. You have moments where life seems normal again for a time. Then, it’s as if a big blanket is placed over you. You can’t breathe. You can’t think. You can only think about the blanket and how you wish it would go away. You don’t want the pain. The missing her. The wishing she was here. But it’s there. And it’s suffocating.
Just like that darkness, though, there is light. 2 Corinthians 4: 8 says, “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.” Through this storm, God’s light is shining. It’s shining out of my boys’ faces as they laugh, splash and play during bath time. It’s in the butterflies that my gracious loving God continues to send me since her passing. It’s in my husband’s calm, steady voice when he helps me through the dark times. It’s in Caleb’s voice, when he prays at night for Madelyn and the angels. It’s in Madelyn’s hand and footprints, so small and perfect. And, it’s in my heart. Yes, light is shining out of darkness. You see, darkness isn’t. It can’t be, when there is light. You just have to let the light in, and breathe the darkness out.
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