In this most difficult of times, what amazing support our family has had. We have been flooded with messages, calls, and cards from friends and family letting us know we are being thought of and prayed for. It has meant so much to us to know that so many people care for us and love Madelyn. I do believe that the peace I have felt over the past week has been a result of prayer. If you have prayed for our family, or for me, I want to extend the deepest gratitude. It is most definitely heard and needed.
Even still, today was my due date, and my arms are empty. My baby girl should be in them. I should be able to hold her, kiss her, be up with her all hours of the night. We were ready to meet her, and I was due any day. But, my baby girl is not in my arms. I can’t hold her, kiss her, or be up with her all hours of the night. I would give anything just to hear her cry. To have her hand grab hold of my finger. I spent today in the company of two sweet souls who cried with me, laughed with me, and were a true comfort to me. One gave me much encouragement in my walk with the Lord through this time. The unthinkable has happened, and I need Him. More than ever. Another friend has walked this very same road, and to be able to share and grieve with someone who can relate is a very comforting thing. Just what I needed today.
I decided to visit Madelyn’s gravesite for the first time today. Because it was my due date, and I have the overwhelming feeling that she should be here, I just wanted to be near her. It is actually a very peaceful place. There are trees and benches, and I can tell it is going to be a very lovely resting place for me. I sat on the cold bench, with the wind blowing, staring at her gravesite. I prayed, and sat in silence. With two young boys, I remember like it was yesterday the long nights, the cries, the wondering, “will they ever sleep? Will I ever sleep?” Now, I long for that. I long for anything but the silence of a quiet gravesite. As much sadness as this brings me, I continue to feel the Lord’s presence. He is with me in this. I have to continue clinging to Him. I also know that Madelyn is with me. She is watching over me and is my guardian angel. That brings me an incredible amount of peace. My arms are empty now, but I have hope. That hope tells me I will see her again. I will hold her again. That brings me peace, too.
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