His Power is Made Perfect in Weakness

In the past few weeks I’ve experienced a tornado of emotions. I’ve been angry and full of joy; afraid and at peace; sad and uplifted. Trying to find any sort of “normal” is not possible right now. Even going to the store is hard. Everything reminds me of Madelyn, or when I was pregnant with her. Were there this many pregnant women and babies around me before this happened? Probably, but I definitely didn’t notice as much. Now, I notice everything.

One question that comes up in my head over and over is: “What do I do now?” My life has been flipped upside down. How do you keep moving after such a tragedy? I wish I had the answer to that, but I don’t. I have clung tightly to my husband, and loved on my boys. Our sweet boys. I am so thankful for them. After going through something so traumatic, what a blessing it was to come home to a house that was so full of joy, life, and laughter. And my amazing husband. Every day, I make a point to love and cherish him as best I can. For these reasons, I get up in the morning and I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, I am able to keep going. One day at a time.

I’ve had several sweet friends comment on the strength I have.   All I can think is, “how have I deceived everyone? I am the exact opposite of strong.” The honest truth is that I am weak. So very, very weak. But, when I feel that I am alone in my pain, I am reminded: Jesus was stripped, beaten, and crucified for this. For this specific pain. My pain. He endured suffering and torture. As heaven looked away, he cried, aloud, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Jesus knows pain. He knows what it is like to feel alone in suffering. And what’s more, he suffered for me. He was strong in His pain so that I don’t have to be strong in mine. It is HIS strength that others see, not mine.   It’s not about ME, it’s about HIM.

There are moments all throughout the day that I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to go through it. I want my baby girl back and I want things to be as they were. I don’t want to feel this weak and endure this pain. But, then I remember, “His power is made perfect in weakness.” And I think, “wait, Lord, are you telling me that I will know you MORE because of this? That in my pain you will be glorified, more than you ever would have been before? That others will know you more, because of sweet Madelyn?” And He whispers, “yes, child.”