Perspective

As time goes on, I have become more and more aware that I now have a different perspective on so many things.  A few days before Madelyn’s funeral, I was gathering things that I wanted placed in her casket.  I had a few special pictures printed to place in frames for her.  When I picked up the pictures, the man handed them to me, and cheerfully said, “having a good day?”  I politely smiled and said yes, and walked away, struggling to hold back tears.  Words mean so much to me now.  Little things are hard, such as a simple response to what should be a simple question.  I thought about how many times I have had the following exchange with someone: “How are you?” “Good, how are you?”  “Fine.”  And then we both smile and go on our ways.  I thought about how many people I’ve done this with that may have been going through a deep struggle, but had to hide it so that they wouldn’t cry.  How often I’ve gone about my day and been so busy that I didn’t notice what may have been going on around me.  Going through such a tragedy has made me more aware of those around me, and also more careful with my words.  I am thankful for that perspective.

I loved my husband before, but I LOVE him now.  Going through this has brought a new closeness that I cannot adequately put into words.  Experiencing loss; true, heart wrenching loss, has brought a new layer of love that we have for each other that is a blessing from the Lord.  It is a gift Madelyn has given us.  An appreciation for each other that we would not have otherwise.  Little things no longer matter.  The day after we lost Madelyn, and it may have even been that day, I looked at my husband and said, “I don’t ever want to argue again.”  And I meant it.  I refuse to ever be angry with him.  Ever.  And I mean it.  Life is too short.  It’s one thing to say this, but another to truly believe it.  I am so thankful for a man who has held me when I’ve cried so hard I can’t breathe.  Who has prayed with me when I don’t know what else to do.  Who has pointed me to God’s word when I feel lost.  Who has reminded me of His promises time and time again when I’m missing our little girl so much I can’t think.  I’m so thankful for him.  And I’m thankful for Madelyn, who has taught me to love him better.

You can’t predict what will happen, and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  This was not our plan.  This was the exact opposite of our plan.  But, God’s perspective is different from ours.  God takes ashes and despair and gives us beauty and joy.  He gives us a heart of praise, even in the darkest times.  And, to truly appreciate beauty, you have to know what ashes look like.  I am thankful for this perspective.