I have created this blog as a place to release my thoughts and feelings, and find healing.  There are so many things that you go through when you grieve someone you love, specifically a child.  So, writing helps me cope.  But, I have also felt led by the Lord to write for others.  Each time I write, I pray that there is someone out there who will read it and be blessed.  I pray my writing will bless those who have experienced the loss of a child.  You are not alone.  I know your pain.  I know it so well, sweet friend.  And I’m sorry.  I pray my writing will bless those who are going through a different type of hardship, to know that you are not alone in suffering.  But, just as much as I pray that my words will bless those who are suffering through a trial, I also pray they will bless those that aren’t.  Not so anyone feels guilty or bad.  But so others will be changed in a positive way.  Maybe the parent who is complaining of lack of sleep or caring for a sick child will be reminded of what a blessing it is to be able to hold that child, and hug them a little tighter at night.  Maybe the wife who was planning on complaining to her husband for leaving his laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink yet again will be reminded that life is short and will instead decide to tell her husband what she LOVES about him.  Whomever is reading this blog, my prayer is that you are blessed.

So, tonight, the Lord has laid it on my heart to share some of the hard things.  So that those who do understand feel less alone, and those that don’t can understand more.  I know there are so many people in my life who want to help, but are unsure how.  They want to pray, but aren’t sure specifically what to pray for.  By sharing this, my hope is that it will shed a little light on some of the things I’ve been experiencing, and help the beautiful hearts out there who want so much to love on me.  I love you.  And because I love you, I’m sharing this tonight.  Here are some of the hard things.

The Hard Things

It’s hard to fully believe that it’s not my fault.  That somehow I didn’t eat something, do something that day that caused her to leave me.  This is common among women who have experienced a still birth.  But I trust in the Lord, and because of this, He reminds me that His plans are greater and better than anything I could ever imagine.  So, no matter what I could have, would have, should have done, there is nothing I can do to change His will.  And His will is good and perfect.

It’s hard to see babies that are the same age as Madelyn would be now.  And, I imagine that it will be this way for the rest of my life.  Seeing children graduate kindergarten the same year she would have.  Attending a friend’s daughter’s wedding, and mourning her all over because I will never be able to experience that joy for her.  But, I trust in the Lord, and because of this, He reminds me that there is so much more joy ahead than I could ever imagine, and that I will get to spend eternity with her.  So, I hold onto that thought tightly, and I’m able to rejoice with gladness.

It’s hard to see other women who are pregnant.  Their faces glowing, with sheer joy.  And this is as it should be.  However, for me, I approach the thought of pregnancy very differently now.  One day, I do hope to carry another child.  But I know that I will worry every single second of every single day.  And the worry won’t end after the first trimester.  It will continue until I am holding that sweet baby in my arms, alive and well.  A future pregnancy will be joyful, but also very, very hard.  But I trust in the Lord, and because of this, He reminds me that He is in control.  It’s so nice to know that I am not.  And, my children are mine, but they ultimately belong to God.  So from day one, I should surrender them to Him.  Surrendering them to Him is a very comforting thought, because He loves them even more than I do.  So how can I be fearful?

Trauma is hard.  Of all the hard and hurt of what I’ve been through, this is the part that is very difficult to talk about.  And maybe one day I will.  But, I trust in the Lord, and because of this, He calms me.  He eases my mind, my body, and my soul.

It’s hard to walk by an empty nursery every day.  Not having her here on earth with me is agonizing at times.  All I want to do is see her and hold her.  But I trust in the Lord, and because of this, He reminds me that I will see her in heaven.  And what beautiful hugs the Lord has been giving me!  Every time I see a butterfly, I am holding her.  Every time I look at Caleb and Joshua, I am looking at her.  I am so thankful that I know how beautiful she was.

Just Because It’s Hard, Doesn’t Mean That It’s Bad

A few days after I got home from the hospital, I listened to a broadcast focusing on a couple who had been through several miscarriages and a still birth.  Something the husband said has stuck with me ever since.  “Just because it’s HARD, doesn’t mean that it’s BAD.”  For every hard I have listed, there is good.  It’s all in your perspective.  You can think of the hard as a negative, and feel defeated, or you can think of it as a positive, and be changed.  God is for love, peace, and GOOD.  So I am too.