The fog is starting to lift a bit. I am feeling more and more joy in my days. There is still a lingering ache, but as my sweet husband reminded me last night, that’s not a bad thing. It’s not bad to miss her. It’s not bad to cry. I will miss her and cry for her for the rest of my life. But, crying is remembering her. It’s thinking of her. And those are good things.
I’ve started working out again, which gives me such wonderful energy. Today I was celebrating doing REAL push ups for the first time in 11 months (yay!), and I noticed the lamp on behind me, letting out its light. It reminded me of my ultimate purpose here on this earth. As a follower of Jesus I am called to make His name known. To tell others about Him. The light also reminded me of Madelyn. I have the light of Christ inside me. I also have her light. She is with me, a part of me. Just as Christ has made me who I am, so has she. As you know Him more, as you lean on Him, walk with Him, your light grows. Part of my light is how He has carried me through this, and continues to carry me. How He has helped me grow and change. I like to think of it as my Madelyn light.
It’s not the tragedy itself that tells a story. It’s response to tragedy. God is calling me to show that there is life after tragedy. There is good. You will smile again. You will laugh. You can LIVE. I will never stop missing Madelyn, and I will still cry for her. But that’s good. That’s thinking of her, and loving her. And that light, my Madelyn light, will help me continue to shine.
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